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As you might’ve heard, U.S. Rep. Louie Gohmert recently had a novel idea for dealing with global warming.
“Is there anything that the National Forest Service or BLM [Bureau of Land Management] can do to change the course of the moon’s orbit or the Earth’s orbit around the sun?” Gohmert really asked a National Forest System employee. “Obviously, that would have profound effects on our climate.”
This yes-he-actually-asked-that question came in the middle of a House Natural Resources Committee hearing. Gohmert, an East Texas rep and member of the committee, has been thoroughly chided for what some folks perceive as a general lack of knowledge about the environment, the Earth, the moon, the sun and science.
That’s completely unfair, as we learned from an anonymous, reliable source we just made up. Gohmert, despite all outward appearances of being sharp as a spoon, has given much thought to how to combat global warming. We got an exclusive peek at Gohmert’s notes on the subject.
This dossier — that’s French for a “file of shit we dreamed up” — reveals the question the Republican posed on Tuesday is just one of many potential game-changing ideas he has for the fight to save our planet. Take a look.
The Fan Method
Let’s designate an hour when everyone in the world turns on their fans (and only their fans) at the exact same time. Now, I know what you’re thinking: How will we get that to work with the time change and all that? But don’t worry; I’m confident we can figure that out with some math. We might could give it a fancy shmancy marketing name, like “Only Fans,” to get everyone to buy into it.
Tell God We’re Sorry
Look, y’all, the science is pretty clear on this one: If the Earth is indeed getting hotter, it’s because we pissed off our Lord Almighty. So let’s get right down to the root of the problem! Now, even though I personally have never offended our lord and savior, I’m willing to set that aside and join you all in saying sorry for all of our misdeeds. I’m thinking we should do this at least three to four times a day until things start to simmer down a little bit.
Wait, Have We Ruled Out One Big Fan?
I know those guys at NASA are capable of something like this, so hear me out: What if we made one huge fan, stationed it somewhere like Texas, then pointed it at the sun? According to my calculations, this would counter all of that hot air with some cool air, and bring our beloved Earth back down to the normal temperatures we had before God got mad at us. And speaking of “hot air,” maybe it’d be a good idea to point The Only Fan (my term; trademark by Gohmie) in the direction of D.C. Lord knows the Dems and the radical left are filling our atmosphere with a whole lot o’ hot air, and even the powerful straight talk I bring to our nation’s capital needs a little backup. Why not a huge fan?
Defeat ISIS, Al Qaeda and the Rest of Those Guys
I, for one, have not seen any evidence confirming that radical Islamic terrorism is not responsible for so-called climate change. We don’t know what these clowns could be conjuring up over there in the Middle East, and chances are good that they have a massive anti-fan that just keeps going and going, making our God-given land more and more hot by the second. Simply put, we’re not spending nearly enough money on our armed forces. If we give them the cash, tech and resources they really need, I bet we’ll start seeing a real difference on our thermometers.
Redo the Election to Decide the Real, True President
Think about it, friends: If God is indeed pissed the heck off, it might be because we have forsaken his only begotten son: Apprentice host and King of the Israel Donald J. Trump. Now, I’m never one to hold a grudge, and everyone knows I’m a very reasonable man. So, even though we’ve already established the election was, without a doubt, 100 percent stolen, I’m willing to let bygones be bygones here. Let’s just have another election with only the right people voting, and as the Italians say, voilà! We’ll settle our account with the man upstairs and get back to cooler temps.
Find Out What George Soros Has To Do With All of This
Similar to my approach with Al Qaeda, I always like to stay up to date on all the latest news and happenings surrounding George Soros. Something about that guy just doesn’t sit right with me, you know? I can’t help but wonder if he’s involved with all this global warming hoopla, and if so, how? Is he funding that anti-fan they got over there in the Middle East? At the very least, that question deserves its own Congressional inquiry.
Seriously, Are Fans Out of the Question?
This seems like a no-brainer (which, coincidentally, was my nickname back in Mount Pleasant). I mean, we know fans work, provided you have a decent outlet and a deregulated energy sector, so why has no one tried this? The only better idea I can think of is altering the way we move around the sun. Wait ….
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